TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're speaking Damascus, town Traditionally noted for historic culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be incredible. Remarkable!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the putting green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely away from area. Designed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right until the drone flies")




  • And a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable water. But Sure, confident, let's have A different place the place American Adult men can have on robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While earlier negotiations unsuccessful less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: offer everyone a collection about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is soft electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire observed, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It is really that he must halt utilizing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the job, replied, "You realize, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic persons. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping varieties a large Trump head noticeable from Room, a attribute remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits soon after locating the building's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It is not just unsightly. It is a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Bewildering Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest aspect from the tower Trump Tower Damascus is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where by friends may well ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, full with local weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Technique: "In the event you Bomb It, They can Appear"


The advert campaign, not long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Permanently."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "in which's the nearest elevator on the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is now attracting notice from Global investors, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll obtain a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount may also involve:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait around to see a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort in which my PTSD might have change-down service."


A further publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories counsel:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to create a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Views through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave it all three. You happen to be welcome."

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